Desperate I-Want-a-Houswife

Since moving to New York City, I think the most common, unwanted, and awkward interactions have centered around carnivores -- I mean horny desperate men-- I mean, cat calls. If my facial expression doesn't say it all (I can't control those, and I'm working on it), then my pace switching into fifth gear should be a subtle hint that, *gasp!* I'm not interested.

It is also worrisome that the average age I get when people guess my age is 15. I like to think I could play the girl actress on "To Catch a Predator" and bake cookies for unsuspecting child molesters. Proud moment? Maybe. Should it be? Probably not. I hope I grow up one day...

(Sidenote: This pic makes me wanna break out into "chillin out max and relaxin all cool...")

This post is dedicated to my most memorable encounters to date.



1. To the man (or child) who ran across the street, breaking mid conversation and running across traffic to follow me two blocks to my apartment: wtf?

a. I don't approve of running, so you struck out before the ball was swung (not meant to be sexual).
b. I'm pretty sure you looked about 14 years old, so even if I agreed to engage you in the way you hoped, it would be illegal.


2. To the transexual "John" who couldn't read any of the anti-conversation warning signs:

a. No, I don't want to tell you my name, how old I am... but I will give you my social and address so you can stalk me to the fullest extent. =)
b. You make me not ever want to carry my school bag because it gives people a reason to start conversations.
c. I was secretly thinking to myself the whole time the different self defense moves I would use on you if you tried anything because there were only three people on the train. I think it would have been a fair match cuz you were small in stature and my swift kick to the side of the knee cap would have been sufficient.

3. To those poets who come up with the strangest names and try to make them sound "pretty" so that I will turn around:

a. saying mademoiselle louder and louder as I walk away does not entice me to turn around. But adding the fake french accent, adding hand movements, and shaking your hips sure did... not.
b. calling someone "luscious" is like using the word "moist".... it's just gross and no one likes it. Barfed in my mouth.


So what can these desperate men do to up their chances at nabbing "the one?"
1. There is a time and a place for everything. If you're not in a club or somewhere that random socializing is acceptable, it's probably not the time or the place.
2. Lower your voice, and don't put on fake accents. They're not impressive.
3. "Hello." That word is your best friend.
4. Get a job? It's a better way to "network" and meet people. When you holler at a girl on the street, there is absolutely posotutely no hormone or trigger in the brain anywhere that makes us want to stop whatever we are doing and jump all over you. I know, shocking... good thing I have this blog. How else would you have found out?

*sigh*
I guess I will start writing that letter to Obama hoping that he will approve of me responsibly using a shank to remove untamed eyes and untrained vocal chords....


Good gravy and good riddance.

Courtesy of the terrible service at the Ithaca Ale House
Ultimate: FAIL

If you have a table that can seat 4 do you:
a) seat a group of 4 that is waiting
b) continue to hold a reserved table for 8 when the group hasn't showed for 1/2 hour
c) seat the group of 6 with only 5 chairs and make an excuse as to why you won't get the sixth person a chair

the Ithaca Ale House answer: C

What is the correct response to this dilemma:
GO TO CHILI'S
1. better customer service because it actually exists!
2. they actually communicate with you to let you know the status of your table
3. they seat you at tables that can accommodate your entire group, or they will figure something out and give you options!
4. it doesn't take another hour after you have waited an hour just to prepare your food
5. the food is better
6. the waiters/waitresses don't look like or talk like they are inebriated



good night and good riddance

WHAT?
epitome of awkward

Snow No No

It's winter time in Ithaca, and we all know what that means: BAD PARKING
This epidemic can not be contributed to a lack of competency based on sex, age, or even your glasses prescription. This problem is, again, due to a lack of common sense.

Here's the question of the day: If there are 5 marked parking spots in a lot, how many cars can we fit?

The Ithaca answer: 2
Common Sense answer: 5
Ambitious answer: 6-8

One of these, clearly, does not fit.

Even the parking and traffic services has caught on to how bad parking really gets that they started up extra early today to clear the parking spaces. The 400 available parking spots becomes 300 when people forget the basic skill we learned in kindergarten called "staying in the lines!!!!"

How can we avoid being idiots and wasting valuable parking that should be guaranteed for seniors and banned from freshman who live on campus anyways?

Step 1: Drive with you eyes open. Sometimes, it's necessary to use your windshield wipers.
Step 2: Look for the white lines that are (gasp) still there, even when there is snow on the ground! We don't live in the land of Make Believe where people fly out of no where and if we close our eyes, everything disappears or doesn't exist because we can't see it.
Step 3: Assume. Yes, I said assume. Assume there is an acceptable distance between cars to park.
Step 4: Leave approximately 1-1 1/2 feet between you and the next vehicle. Take your time, we can wait an extra two seconds for you to use your brain a little.

Helpful tips:
1. Once you have parked, open your door. Does it open all the way?-- too much. fix it.
2. Look at stable landmarks or buildings. Are you crooked? Yes?-- too much. fix it.
3. Do you get a larger percentage of stares than usual when you exit or reenter your vehicle?-- too much. fix it.


That's all for now.
Good luck and Good Riddance

The Basics of Social Interaction: The Passing Hello

Hello Folks!

Since this is the first in a long set of everyday common sense and instructions on how to avoid being the source of an awkward encounter, I'll start it off simple.

Life skill number 1: How to Say Hello.

Often, you will find yourself among acquaintances, familiar faces, and long term friends. In some cultures, a hand shake, hug, nod of the head, or some other acknowledgment of the aforementioned individual is acceptable. This expectation can be expected in similar instances should you live in the United States of America. It is NOT, I repeat, NOT acceptable to place one's head at a 90 degree angle at the neck, making the face horizontal to the ground. Avoid this at all costs: it will be interpreted as a negative reaction, or in other words, avoidance. This type of reaction will jeopardize your relationship and start rumors. You may be labeled as socially awkward and outcast for social events and birthday parties.

So, how do we help this situation? It's simple!

Step one: Make eye contact. Do not stare the person down. Your joint attention should last between 2-4 seconds. Any shorter and you will look like you are about to have a seizure. Any longer and you will be put on a mental watch list.

Step two: Smile. Your lips should resemble a cut out of watermelon or cantaloupe... whichever you prefer. It should not, however, look like a ruler. There should be a small amount of curvature. For you math people, think: parabola.

Step three: Say, "Hi," or some variation such as Hello, Hey, or What's up (the kids love that one). Keep it limited to one or two words. Any more, and you are leaning towards a more awkward encounter because they will linger expecting more, but you will, sadly, have nothing to say.

Step four: Walk away. Please be sure to head in the correct direction that you originally intended to go. Keep an eye out for doors, walls, tables, chairs, etc. It is for this reason we limit the eye contact to be between 2-4 seconds.

Quick Tip:
Avoid shrugging of shoulders. This movement often looks like shuddering or cowering in fear like you are cold and is awkward.

Good luck and Good Riddance